Group Dating for Young Teens? Don't Slack on Supervision!
With Spring in the air and Summertime coming soon, groups of tween and teen kids will begin to gather around pools, backyards, and malls. Within those groups, some pairing off begins, and so does the dating game. And it's all fine if they're in a group, right? Doesn't that sound safer? Doesn't it lower the risk for two young hormonally driven kids to get into trouble? A lot of parents are OK with group dating among young teens; are you?
National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
Happy National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy! And we can really say “Happy” because there’s a lot to cheer about. The U.S. teen pregnancy rate has declined 42% from its peak in 1990 and is now at a nearly 40-year low. That’s terrific, BUT (there it is…) we still have a lot of work to do!
Today, almost 3 in 10 girls get pregnant by age 20. And compared with other developed countries in the world, the U.S. continues to have the highest teen pregnancy and birth rates.
Most parents believe that they have little influence over their teen children when it comes to sexual activity. Research proves that wrong. Parents’ opinions and expectations matter – but they can only make a difference if they are voiced to your children. Results from a recent telephone survey of 1,002 teens ages 12-19 by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy showed that teens believe parents have the most influence on their decisions about sex. In fact, 87% of those teens said it would be easier to postpone sex and avoid the risk of pregnancy if they could have more open and honest conversations about sex and sexuality with their parents!
So use this National Day to make a statement – to your children, to your colleagues, to your friends. Start those important conversations about the risks of early sexual activity, and the prevention of unwanted consequences.
If you have teens, encourage them to visit StayTeen.org to participate in several online activities. They’ll be joining about a million other teens who will take the National Day Quiz that will put them in six risky situations and challenge them to think about what they would do “in the moment.” The message of the National Day is fun, educational and straightforward: sex has consequences.
Learn more about the National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy here
http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/national/default.aspx
then send your kids here:
http://www.stayteen.org/quiz
Don’t forget to bookmark these great resources!!
Her Emerging Sexuality
On the way to school, your 13- year- old daughter tunes into her favorite pop station where loud, sexually charged lyrics rattle you out of your morning daze. As she starts to sing along, you shoot her a disapproving glare, quickly change the station, and start discussing her afterschool schedule.
Sound familiar? As parents, we know it’s important to teach our children about real life, but when it comes to talking about sex and sexuality, many of us tend to be indirectly or even blatantly evasive. Clearly, most parents don’t mean to cause harm by dodging “sex talks,” but it’s also clear that the sexuality education and values provided by pop culture are failing our children.
The media is great for forcing some dreaded but vital discussions—perhaps even in your own home. There are plenty of rauncy topics landing in your living room thanks to cable TV. But even the more "normal" topics of teen pregnancy, sex education, and contraception are getting a lot of air time lately. It’s understandable if you feel unprepared to jump into conversations about sexual desire, oral sex, or condoms—like every other difficult task, it’s an acquired skill. Fortunately, there are some tricks to help you master the task.
Get started with a book or popular media. If you struggle to find the right opening lines, try giving her a book or article on the topic (read it first!) and let it ease you into a dialogue. Most girls will roll their eyes upon being handed any sort of book on sex, but they’re quite likely to devour it when you’re not looking—especially if it includes age- appropriate information and advice. They want the information but often turn to unreliable sources for the answers. As you encourage her to read it, you might even tell her, “This book has a lot of details and information in it that I sometimes don’t know how to bring up, but I think it’s important that you know it.” This sets the stage for a follow-up dialogue (shameless plug: our books are a great place to start!)
Another conversation starter is to let her media use guide you. Watch her favorite show, listen to her fave song lyrics, and scan her magazines or paperbacks. Then use what you see and hear to guide a discussion—not start an argument or editorialize on the downfall of youth culture. Ask her what she thinks about specific issues. Use open-ended questions to get her take on behaviors and general trends among the kids at her school (avoid “yes/no” questions). If you only ask about herself or her friends, she may shut down.
Let her know she’ll get real information from you. “Is oral sex really sex?” “Do you think it’s wrong to have sex before marriage?” “How far is ok?” “How does someone know if they’re gay?” Even though her questions may leave you cringing inside and blushing on the outside, you can always start your answer by gathering more information. You can reply: “Well, tell me what you know about that (or tell me what you think), and I’ll fill in what I know.” When she starts talking and you are “just listening,” don’t freak out over anything she tells you—at least not in front of her. If you seem upset, it sends the message that you aren’t capable of handling the issues in her life. That makes her less likely to come to you with problems in the future.
Don’t worry that you’re giving her too much information. It’s better to be proactive in anticipating what’s next in her world, rather then explaining things in reaction to some recent crisis. It is well established that age-appropriate sexuality education does not cause sexual experimentation nor premature sexual behaviors. Once a girl approaches middle school (where sexual experimentation is common), there is no sexuality topic that should be off limits.
Encourage her solutions, and make your guidance clear. Engage your daughter in discussions about the tough issues before she faces them directly. Help her think through different scenarios and decide how she would handle the situation personally. It will give her more time to “process” the information intellectually and emotionally and strategize within the context of her own values and goals. Giving it some forethought means she will be less likely to be caught “off guard” or “undecided” in a challenging situation.
It’s crucial that you give her your well-thought-out opinions based on your values, expectations, and experiences. And make it clear that you encourage further discussions. You can say: “This is a complicated topic. You’ll probably want to think about it, and your opinion might even change over time. I’m here whenever you want to talk about again.”
Build her decision-making skills. As your daughter grows older, it’s increasingly important that you—and she—stay grounded in reality. It’s hard for parents and girls as well to absorb the fact that one in three girls—including “nice” girls—has had either oral sex or sexual intercourse by age 15, and that over 40% of graduating high school seniors have had sex. Acknowledging these facts adds to the context that informs her smart decisions.
All adolescents need guidance in establishing their personal values, but in the end, choices about sexual and other risk taking behaviors are theirs to make. Remembering this may help motivate you to jump into those tough discussions. Engage your daughter in mature conversations; then help her make personal decisions after considering options and consequences. Together you’ll be ensuring that she forms healthy, strong strategies that keep her self-assured about her emerging sexuality.
Going Out
TargetAge: Grades 7 - 8
The emergence of independence, social pressures, and budding romance signal the need for honest advice and attention to personal values. Give her the infomation and guidance she needs to navigate the milestones and challenges ahead.
This mother-daughter program will address emerging sexuality and help girls recognize the power of sexuality, and healthy ways to manage & appreciate it. Specifically, we will discuss changing relationships (with parents, peers and boys), dating, health and unhealthy relationships, personal boundaries, goals and decision making, and projecting positive self image. Because texting & social media become such a prominent part of teens' lives, we will also focus digital safety and protection of privacy through real-world advice.
[Copy of] SAMPLE: Car Talk
Dr. Holmes discusses why her car is one of her favorite places to have "those" conversations with her children. Hear her tips here.
SAMPLE: Car Talk
Dr. Holmes discusses why her car is one of her favorite places to have "those" conversations with her children. Hear her tips here.
Girlology: Words We Live By
Leading our Girlology program, Something New About You, always inspires and energizes me. In fact, my resolutions for this new year, come from some of the advice we give 4th and 5th grade girls, and the wisdom they share with us.
There’s nothing like a room full of 9 year old girls to make you laugh, think, and feel good about how we really can just all get along and have fun together (at least for a while). It’s a beautiful age, full of wonder, silliness, sincerity, and mind-blowing potential.
Our newest graphic pays tribute to what we’ve learned from the girls and what we hope the girls take from our program. And though we’ve made this for the girls, we’ve found a lot of moms, sisters, grandmothers, and friends that connect with it, too.
For more information about our programs visit our Events page. The backpack is a gift from us to the girls who attend our Something New About You workshop. Wishing you a giggly, fun, awe-filled and healthy new year.
Teens Need a Plan B (but they can’t get it over the counter)
Emergency contraception (EC), marketed as the product Plan B, is largely misunderstood. As a parent, do you understand it? If not, you’re certainly not alone as evidenced yesterday by a surprising move by the Department of Health and Human Services Secretary, Kathleen Sebelius, who overrode the decision of the FDA to remove the age restriction on emergency contraception availability. Using science and research to prove safety and effectiveness, the FDA concluded that Plan B One Step should be available over the counter to all ages and no longer require a prescription for those under 17. In political move that ignored the science, the decision was blocked.
As a parent of teens, and a physician to teens and their moms, I understand the concern about moving Plan B from behind the counter into the aisles so that anyone can pick it up along with condoms, pregnancy tests, cold medicine and band-aids. But even though it’s not readily available to all ages, all reproductive age girls and women should know about it and know how to access it, because knowing what to do in case of an emergency is always a good idea. And teens, in particular, need a Plan B (for themselves, or when they are helping a friend).
So, if you understand what EC is and how it works, you’ll realize that there’s little to worry about, but a lot to talk about – especially with your teen. Here’s the lowdown on Plan B.
Talking Tip: You Won't Be There When...
All adolescents need guidance in establishing their personal values, but in the end, choices about sexual and other risk taking behaviors are theirs to make. You won't be there when your child says "yes" or "no" to sexual behaviors.
Remembering this may help motivate you to jump into those tough discussions. Engage your daughter in mature conversations. Then, help her make personal decisions after considering options and consequences. As awkward as these dialogues may be, they are critical in today’s culture where messages about sexuality can be so unhealthy, confusing and just plain wrong. Make sure your child has correct information and knows she can come to you with questions. It's been proven over and over: talking about it won't make her go out and do it; instead, it makes her think about it and prepares her for making better choices.
That’s Awkward: When People Comment on YOUR Puberty (a message for girls)
Puberty will bring on lots of mixed up feelings. Exciting? Yes. Embarassing? Sometimes. Awkward? Sure. And while all these changes are happening, there will be people in your life who are amazed. But the most embarrassing part can happen when people feel the need to say something about it. That’s when knowing how to deal with their comments becomes a bigpart of getting through puberty with a little less embarrassment.
When grandma says something like, “My, my my. Aren’t you looking like ayoung woman?!” It can make you want to crawl under a rock. You know she’scommenting on your growing breasts, but you also know she cares about you, so you try to be polite. The best reply in a situation like that is to just smile (if you can) and confidently say, “Yes, I am.” Then feel free to change the subject.
