To date, this “connectedness” has been linked to positive outcomes in over 30 adolescent health issues such as preventing early sexual activity and teen pregnancy, increasing self esteem and coping skills, reducing violence and drug use, and improving social relationships. Connectedness is a vital piece in the parenting puzzle, and parents need tools to help them connect NOW more than ever.

As physicians for adolescents and the founders of Girlology, we spend a lot of time with teens.  And teen girls tell us that our book, Hang Ups, Hook Ups & Holding Out connects with them on many levels.  Here are some of our connecting tips for parents of teens!

10 tips for connecting with your teen

1. Get to know her world (because she is your world isn’t she?), and remember it changes often.  Learn something about her passions, get to know her friends, watch her favorite movies, get to know her friends’ parents, learn how to text, join facebook and pay close attention to other social media, listen to her music, read her magazines.
2. Schedule protected time to spend in a shared activity that you both enjoy. If you can’t come up with a mutually enjoyed shared activity, do what he wants to do.  And let yourself have fun doing it.
3. Help her think through big decisions, but don’t make them for her. Help her consider the possible outcomes of different decisions.  Let her explain her rationale.  When she makes a great decision, commend her and tell her why you think it was the right decision.  When she makes mistakes (and she will), help her learn from them and make a plan for “next time.”
4. Show physical affection when it’s okay with your teen.  He still needs it from you.  Let your teen know your love is always there and not dependent on what they do.
5. Be available and askable on her time frame, not just when it’s convenient for you.   If you consistently go to bed before your teen, set your alarm clock to wake up and hang out late with her at least once a week.  You’ll hear things she would have never brought up during the busier daytime.
6. Don’t embarrass him in public, no matter how funny you think it is.  You’ll lose respect that will be difficult to regain.  And never try to discipline your teen in front of his peers….just don’t.
7. Be a parent more than a friend. Your teen probably has plenty of friends, so what she really needs is a parent who is approachable yet sets boundaries, and a parent who encourages growth and independence, yet enforces consequences for unacceptable behavior.
8. Learn the art of active listening. When your teen talks to you (and that can be rare), stop what you are doing and listen with your whole body.  React, repeat, and respond so he knows you hear him. And if you don’t understand his point, make sure you get it before the conversation ends.  And as you focus on listening well, don’t forget to stay calm.
9. Don’t freak out over anything she tells you—at least not in front of her. If you freak out, it sends the message that you aren’t capable of handling the stresses in her life.  That will make her less likely to come to you with her problems in the future.  Remember that you are the adult, and you are the one who is supposed to help her through the challenges, no matter how difficult, scary or weird they can be.  If you need to freak out, do it somewhere away from your teen.
10. Encourage safe risk taking. Whether the risk is an extreme sport, publishing a literary piece, standing up for a cause, or performing for others, encourage your teen to take risks that matter to her.  She may experience excitement, anxiety, failure or triumph, but all of these experiences help her grow. As long as she knows you support her every bit of the way, they will all be great life lessons.