We’ve all been tainted by middle school experiences, but don’t let that deter your enthusiasm for your middler. In truth, middle school presents the perfect time to get your prevention messages hard-wired into the circuits of their brains. It’s perfect because beginning around age 12, when hormones are jetting through their changing bodies, they are also undergoing some major reconstruction in the brain. The brain is developing new skills in reasoning and understanding, but also beginning to thrive on adventure and thrills. It tends to live in “go!” mode without the use of reliable brakes. It is getting rid of “data” that hasn’t been used in a while, and it’s laying down permanent circuits based on things the adolescent does, thinks and sees over and over. And then there are the hormones… no wonder our pre-teens and teens can seem so complicated!

For parents, this brain growth phase (which lasts throughout the teen years and into the early 20s) is the perfect time to get your values and expectations permanently wired in that fabulous mind of your child. This is when they are most receptive to setting personal goals and learning how to make decisions, say “no” tactfully and stand up for themselves. But, it’s not easy. It takes practice and persistence. That’s what makes parenting a tween and teen so exhausting sometimes!

To get started, you should first recognize that your middle schooler knows about sex whether you were the one who told him or not. So now it’s time to start dialogues about all the other “sex stuff” out there. The easy topics might cover things like crushes vs love, healthy and unhealthy relationships, values, reputations, peer pressure, and self respect. But don’t ignore the tougher topics like sexual desire, the joys of sex, sexual orientation, foreplay, oral sex, sexual assault, abortion, infections, and birth control. There should really be no topic that is off limits to discuss with your middle schooler before he heads to high school, because high school is a whole new galaxy (we’ll get to that one soon).

The research is clear that talking about sex and sexuality with your adolescent does not make her go out and try it. Instead, talking about these things before your child is faced with them, allows her to “process” the information and think about how it relates to her personally. This allows her to make more informed decisions as she matures rather than being caught “off guard” and “undecided” in a sexual situation.

It’s clear that in the middle school years, there’s a lot to do! To nudge you along, here are some of Girlology’s tips for parents of middle schoolers:

• Use teachable moments everyday (music lyrics, TV, stories from school, current events).
• Have a two-way conversation (that means listening a lot) and don’t preach.
• Let them direct conversation by asking, “what do you think?” or “tell me what you know about that, then I’ll fill in what I know.”
• Always answer their question. Ask, “Did that answer your question?” to make sure you did.
• If you don’t know an answer or aren’t prepared to answer, that’s ok. Take some time to find or figure out your answer, and then make sure you get back to them.
• Be very clear about your values and expectations, even if your child disagrees.
• Having great conversations does not eliminate the need for supervision – especially of young couples and mixed gender groups.
• Discuss protection and safety.
• Most importantly, never ever ever FREAK OUT (in front of your child) over something they ask you or tell you. You will lose their trust in you as the one who can help them.

We never said it was easy, but we promise it gets easier.

modified from previously posted blog by Dr Holmes for the South Carolina Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Another great resource for people who care about kids!

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