Dr. Holmes discusses why her car is one of her favorite places to have "those" conversations with her children. Hear her tips here.

Dr. Holmes discusses why her car is one of her favorite places to have "those" conversations with her children. Hear her tips here.

Leading our Girlology program, Something New About You, always inspires and energizes me. In fact, my resolutions for this new year, come from some of the advice we give 4th and 5th grade girls, and the wisdom they share with us.

There’s nothing like a room full of 9 year old girls to make you laugh, think, and feel good about how we really can just all get along and have fun together (at least for a while). It’s a beautiful age, full of wonder, silliness, sincerity, and mind-blowing potential.

Our newest graphic pays tribute to what we’ve learned from the girls and what we hope the girls take from our program. And though we’ve made this for the girls, we’ve found a lot of moms, sisters, grandmothers, and friends that connect with it, too.

For more information about our programs visit our Events page. The backpack is a gift from us to the girls who attend our Something New About You workshop. Wishing you a giggly, fun, awe-filled and healthy new year.

At first, it may seem like a no win situation. You’ve completely lost your cool factor in your teen daughter’s eyes, particularly when it comes to public displays of affection. Your hand is no longer needed to cross the street and your proud parent embrace is an unwelcome gesture after the school play. Don’t let the rebuff stop you! It’s important for parents to continue to feed their daughter’s touch hunger. Surely, there’s plenty of private time to find good opportunities. At home, when her friends aren’t around, keep giving her big bear hugs or little “I love you” hugs, even though she may protest. Give her a back scratch or shoulder massage. Hang out at her bedside and rub her feet. Invest in the flow of touch as you would verbal communication.

While you’re busy in the present, don’t forget the past. Keep at the forefront of your mind the amount of touch your daughter sought as a child and continue to provide a similar amount or more to her as an adolescent. Recognize that most people enjoy affectionate touch to some degree, but some more than others. Even if your daughter is in the “less touchy” category, she will still appreciate and feel nourished by brief episodes of affectionate touch. Something that once came naturally to you as the parent, an instinctive impulse, must now be delivered in more thoughtful and steady doses.

Touch alternatives

On the flip side of calculated affection, many girls’ touch hunger can be fulfilled in wonderfully innocent and rewarding ways. Having a dog, horse, guinea pig or other pet to cuddle and care for can provide rewarding touch within an emotional connection. Caring for a pet or volunteering with animals in some way can also model important aspects of healthy relationships such as responsibility, affection, trust and loyalty. Babysitting can similarly fill your daughters touch tank and teach important relationship qualities. Using these types of examples, you can help your daughter see the importance of establishing trust before touching and of building trust through non-threatening touch. These are important lessons that will help her as she begins to explore romantic relationships.

Where do her peers come in?

As she begins to spend more time with her friends, she will naturally seek touch from them. Preteen girls tend to give and receive friendly and playful touch from their female friends. They can feel nourished by fixing each other’s hair, giving manicures, or even exercising together. At this age, however, it is not unusual for sexual exploration (homosexual or heterosexual) to occur if they are left unsupervised, but it is usually related to their growing curiosity about bodily changes. Girls at this age are particularly interested in how their body changes look compared to their friends. If you find your daughter involved in such exploration, it’s a good time to provide some images of normal bodily changes and to discuss the importance of privacy and limit setting.

So, how are we doing so far? Odds are that up until now you’ve probably been on board and in sync with our conversation about touch hunger. Sure, you might have winced a little here and there, but for the most part you’re probably saying, “I can do that.” Not so fast. Remember the boy we chatted about in the first blog, his arm looped around your daughter’s waist, her hands affectionately wrapped around his? Well, don’t look now, but he’s sitting in your living room. And in one form or another, he’s here to stay. Check back tomorrow for more.

Dr. Holmes discusses why her car is one of her favorite places to have "those" conversations with her children. Hear her tips here.