On the way to school, your 13- year- old daughter tunes into her favorite pop station where loud, sexually charged lyrics rattle you out of your morning daze. As she starts to sing along, you shoot her a disapproving glare, quickly change the station, and start discussing her afterschool schedule.

 Sound familiar? As parents, we know it’s important to teach our children about real life, but when it comes to talking about sex and sexuality, many of us tend to be indirectly or even blatantly evasive. Clearly, most parents don’t mean to cause harm by dodging “sex talks,” but it’s also clear that the sexuality education and values provided by pop culture are failing our children.

The media is great for forcing some dreaded but vital discussions—perhaps even in your own home. There are plenty of rauncy topics landing in your living room thanks to cable TV. But even the more "normal" topics of teen pregnancy, sex education, and contraception are getting a lot of air time lately. It’s understandable if you feel unprepared to jump into conversations about sexual desire, oral sex, or condoms—like every other difficult task, it’s an acquired skill. Fortunately, there are some tricks to help you master the task.

Get started with a book or popular media. If you struggle to find the right opening lines, try giving her a book or article on the topic (read it first!) and let it ease you into a dialogue. Most girls will roll their eyes upon being handed any sort of book on sex, but they’re quite likely to devour it when you’re not looking—especially if it includes age- appropriate information and advice. They want the information but often turn to unreliable sources for the answers. As you encourage her to read it, you might even tell her, “This book has a lot of details and information in it that I sometimes don’t know how to bring up, but I think it’s important that you know it.” This sets the stage for a follow-up dialogue (shameless plug: our books are a great place to start!)

Another conversation starter is to let her media use guide you. Watch her favorite show, listen to her fave song lyrics, and scan her magazines or paperbacks. Then use what you see and hear to guide a discussion—not start an argument or editorialize on the downfall of youth culture. Ask her what she thinks about specific issues. Use open-ended questions to get her take on behaviors and general trends among the kids at her school (avoid “yes/no” questions). If you only ask about herself or her friends, she may shut down.

Let her know she’ll get real information from you. “Is oral sex really sex?” “Do you think it’s wrong to have sex before marriage?” “How far is ok?” “How does someone know if they’re gay?” Even though her questions may leave you cringing inside and blushing on the outside, you can always start your answer by gathering more information. You can reply: “Well, tell me what you know about that (or tell me what you think), and I’ll fill in what I know.” When she starts talking and you are “just listening,” don’t freak out over anything she tells you—at least not in front of her. If you seem upset, it sends the message that you aren’t capable of handling the issues in her life. That makes her less likely to come to you with problems in the future.

Don’t worry that you’re giving her too much information. It’s better to be proactive in anticipating what’s next in her world, rather then explaining things in reaction to some recent crisis. It is well established that age-appropriate sexuality education does not cause sexual experimentation nor premature sexual behaviors. Once a girl approaches middle school (where sexual experimentation is common), there is no sexuality topic that should be off limits.

Encourage her solutions, and make your guidance clear. Engage your daughter in discussions about the tough issues before she faces them directly. Help her think through different scenarios and decide how she would handle the situation personally. It will give her more time to “process” the information intellectually and emotionally and strategize within the context of her own values and goals. Giving it some forethought means she will be less likely to be caught “off guard” or “undecided” in a challenging situation.

It’s crucial that you give her your well-thought-out opinions based on your values, expectations, and experiences. And make it clear that you encourage further discussions. You can say: “This is a complicated topic. You’ll probably want to think about it, and your opinion might even change over time. I’m here whenever you want to talk about again.”

Build her decision-making skills. As your daughter grows older, it’s increasingly important that you—and she—stay grounded in reality. It’s hard for parents and girls as well to absorb the fact that one in three girls—including “nice” girls—has had either oral sex or sexual intercourse by age 15, and that over 40% of graduating high school seniors have had sex. Acknowledging these facts adds to the context that informs her smart decisions.

All adolescents need guidance in establishing their personal values, but in the end, choices about sexual and other risk taking behaviors are theirs to make. Remembering this may help motivate you to jump into those tough discussions. Engage your daughter in mature conversations; then help her make personal decisions after considering options and consequences. Together you’ll be ensuring that she forms healthy, strong strategies that keep her self-assured about her emerging sexuality.

Dr. Melisa Holmes shares Girlology advice on handling questions from your child that are a bit too personal. Learn the balance between over-sharing and providing helpful, relevant personal stories.

Society sends us mixed signals. We are constantly bombarded with realizations that our world is increasingly dangerous, yet we have become a generation labeled “helicopter parents” and accused of being overprotective. So how do we gracefully encourage our daughters to become more independent and keep them safe? How do we help our girls find their voices? The answer is… learn to LISTEN!

It has been said that two important gifts parents can bestow upon their children are roots and wings. Becoming independent is a crucial task of adolescence. But some parents can become so obsessed with their daughters’ success and happiness that constant attempts are made to control all perceived signs of distress or disappointment. Failure can be fruitful… and “failure is the tuition for success.”

October is Let’s Talk Month. That means that organizations across the country are working extra hard to get adults and the kids they care about talking more comfortably and effectively about sex, love and relationships. And since that’s exactly part of our mission at Girlology, count us in!

This month we’ll be posting lots of blogs, videos, pointers, and research based recommendations to help you talk about all those things that can be tough to discuss. Wondering when to have “THE” talk? Need help explaining puberty? Not sure how to respond when your child asks you a very personal question about your own sexual history? How about discussing sexual desire, sexual boundaries and personal respect? We’ll be offering tips, blogs and coaching on all of these things and more this month. We know it can be tough, but once you get started, it gets easier and easier.

Research indicates that kids want their parents to help them understand sexuality. Unfortunately, a lot of parents don’t feel prepared to take on the role of being their child’s primary sexuality educator. And one more really important point from research: kids that receive accurate and honest information about sexuality, especially from a parent, tend to delay the onset of sex and make healthier decisions about their own sexual behaviors.

Join us regularly, especially this month, to ask questions, find answers and get inspired to start conversations that really matter.

At Girlology, we love any opportunity to improve communication about sexuality and health between youth and the adults that care about them.

About Let’s Talk Month

Let’s Talk Month began in 1980 as a local campaign in Charlotte, NC. Advocates for Youth is the national sponsor of Let’s Talk Month, which is now celebrated in all 50 states and several other countries. The organization has a campaign guidebook and materials available to help. Visit their website at www.advocatesforyouth.org for more information.