On the way to school, your 13- year- old daughter tunes into her favorite pop station where loud, sexually charged lyrics rattle you out of your morning daze. As she starts to sing along, you shoot her a disapproving glare, quickly change the station, and start discussing her afterschool schedule.

 Sound familiar? As parents, we know it’s important to teach our children about real life, but when it comes to talking about sex and sexuality, many of us tend to be indirectly or even blatantly evasive. Clearly, most parents don’t mean to cause harm by dodging “sex talks,” but it’s also clear that the sexuality education and values provided by pop culture are failing our children.

The media is great for forcing some dreaded but vital discussions—perhaps even in your own home. There are plenty of rauncy topics landing in your living room thanks to cable TV. But even the more "normal" topics of teen pregnancy, sex education, and contraception are getting a lot of air time lately. It’s understandable if you feel unprepared to jump into conversations about sexual desire, oral sex, or condoms—like every other difficult task, it’s an acquired skill. Fortunately, there are some tricks to help you master the task.

Get started with a book or popular media. If you struggle to find the right opening lines, try giving her a book or article on the topic (read it first!) and let it ease you into a dialogue. Most girls will roll their eyes upon being handed any sort of book on sex, but they’re quite likely to devour it when you’re not looking—especially if it includes age- appropriate information and advice. They want the information but often turn to unreliable sources for the answers. As you encourage her to read it, you might even tell her, “This book has a lot of details and information in it that I sometimes don’t know how to bring up, but I think it’s important that you know it.” This sets the stage for a follow-up dialogue (shameless plug: our books are a great place to start!)

Another conversation starter is to let her media use guide you. Watch her favorite show, listen to her fave song lyrics, and scan her magazines or paperbacks. Then use what you see and hear to guide a discussion—not start an argument or editorialize on the downfall of youth culture. Ask her what she thinks about specific issues. Use open-ended questions to get her take on behaviors and general trends among the kids at her school (avoid “yes/no” questions). If you only ask about herself or her friends, she may shut down.

Let her know she’ll get real information from you. “Is oral sex really sex?” “Do you think it’s wrong to have sex before marriage?” “How far is ok?” “How does someone know if they’re gay?” Even though her questions may leave you cringing inside and blushing on the outside, you can always start your answer by gathering more information. You can reply: “Well, tell me what you know about that (or tell me what you think), and I’ll fill in what I know.” When she starts talking and you are “just listening,” don’t freak out over anything she tells you—at least not in front of her. If you seem upset, it sends the message that you aren’t capable of handling the issues in her life. That makes her less likely to come to you with problems in the future.

Don’t worry that you’re giving her too much information. It’s better to be proactive in anticipating what’s next in her world, rather then explaining things in reaction to some recent crisis. It is well established that age-appropriate sexuality education does not cause sexual experimentation nor premature sexual behaviors. Once a girl approaches middle school (where sexual experimentation is common), there is no sexuality topic that should be off limits.

Encourage her solutions, and make your guidance clear. Engage your daughter in discussions about the tough issues before she faces them directly. Help her think through different scenarios and decide how she would handle the situation personally. It will give her more time to “process” the information intellectually and emotionally and strategize within the context of her own values and goals. Giving it some forethought means she will be less likely to be caught “off guard” or “undecided” in a challenging situation.

It’s crucial that you give her your well-thought-out opinions based on your values, expectations, and experiences. And make it clear that you encourage further discussions. You can say: “This is a complicated topic. You’ll probably want to think about it, and your opinion might even change over time. I’m here whenever you want to talk about again.”

Build her decision-making skills. As your daughter grows older, it’s increasingly important that you—and she—stay grounded in reality. It’s hard for parents and girls as well to absorb the fact that one in three girls—including “nice” girls—has had either oral sex or sexual intercourse by age 15, and that over 40% of graduating high school seniors have had sex. Acknowledging these facts adds to the context that informs her smart decisions.

All adolescents need guidance in establishing their personal values, but in the end, choices about sexual and other risk taking behaviors are theirs to make. Remembering this may help motivate you to jump into those tough discussions. Engage your daughter in mature conversations; then help her make personal decisions after considering options and consequences. Together you’ll be ensuring that she forms healthy, strong strategies that keep her self-assured about her emerging sexuality.

Dr. Holmes discusses why her car is one of her favorite places to have "those" conversations with her children. Hear her tips here.

Dr. Holmes discusses why her car is one of her favorite places to have "those" conversations with her children. Hear her tips here.

All adolescents need guidance in establishing their personal values, but in the end, choices about sexual and other risk taking behaviors are theirs to make. You won't be there when your child says "yes" or "no" to sexual behaviors.

Remembering this may help motivate you to jump into those tough discussions. Engage your daughter in mature conversations. Then, help her make personal decisions after considering options and consequences. As awkward as these dialogues may be, they are critical in today’s culture where messages about sexuality can be so unhealthy, confusing and just plain wrong.  Make sure your child has correct information and knows she can come to you with questions.  It's been proven over and over: talking about it won't make her go out and do it; instead, it makes her think about it and prepares her for making better choices.

Dr. Melisa Holmes shares Girlology advice on handling questions from your child that are a bit too personal. Learn the balance between over-sharing and providing helpful, relevant personal stories.

By early elementary school, your child will probably have a lot of giggles over potty humor and silly names for body parts. Allow her some fun (you have to keep your sense of humor!), but remind her that all body functions and body parts are normal and just another part of who we are. Being silly is fine as long as she gets the message that you are also willing to talk about those parts and functions without being silly.

For more talk tips for pre-school and elementary age children, look for Dr. Holmes' guest blog on the website of the South Carolina Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. You can get there by clicking here  http://www.teenpregnancysc.org/Parents/

Dr. Holmes discusses why her car is one of her favorite places to have "those" conversations with her children. Hear her tips here.

Talk about sexuality topics earlier than you think you need to.  Teaching children and teens about sexual topics early allows them time to process the information before they are personally faced with a difficult decision; without knowledge and forethought, they can be easily caught off guard. A teen that has learned about sexual behaviors and real-life scenarios has time to think about how a similar situation might personally affect her. Given information and time to process it, she can decide proactively how she would handle a sexual proposition or similarly risky situation. Then, if (or more likely when) she is faced with one, she is more likely to make a decision based on her values and her personal goals, rather than spontaneously saying “sure, whatever!” because it sounds fun and exciting at the moment.